Weekend Writing Warriors: For October 11, 2015
I am excited to share my snippet below (a total of 10 long sentences..)
Nirashika took her two boys while her younger sister Ayaraa took her own daughter hurriedly.
“We’ve got the special ladder and we know where the giant hollow tree is. We have everything we need. We should leave now!!” said Ayaraa with the map tucked under her left arm.
In the dark night the scattered fires in the forest and the villages beyond gave a faint yet constant orange glow like glowing coal in a fire pit.
“The terror shall begin at first light and last all day and night, ending only with the following dawn. Those hellish creatures will spread like plague over the villages and nothing will stop them. Nothing…” Nirashika looked fearfully at her sister. “I think they will sneak in before dawn and begin the onslaught of everything; a day that will seam no less than a year…”
That's it till next week...! You are welcome to critique the snippet from whatever angle you wish.
This looks like the beginning of a very, scary story. you've painted a good picture, Marjaan. I don't know what the hellish creatures are that will come at dawn to the peaceful forest, but the thought makes me nervous.
ReplyDeleteMay I offer a suggestion? There's a lot of use of the word "dawn' in a short space. That can trip up a reader's flow. Maybe change out a few of them?
Example:
“The terror shall begin at first light and last all day and night, ending only with the following dawn. Those hellish creatures will spread like plague over the villages and nothing will stop them. Nothing…” Nirashika looked fearfully at her sister. “I think they will arrive well before the sun rises, and begin the onslaught of everything; a day that will seem no less than a year…”
Just an idea. :-)
I am so, so glad to see you posting, Marjaan. I'm delighted that you're writing!!
I am feeling nervous for them, and I don't even know all the details about what is coming! Nice job. I'm with Teresa on the use of the word dawn though, I had to re-read that section a couple times. It pulled me out of the story. Nice to have you join us at WeWriWa!
ReplyDeleteWell the terror ahead comes through clearly so well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for commenting and providing feedback!!
ReplyDelete@ Teresa: Your edit brought more life to the sentence. I am going to change it to what you have suggested!! As always, I'm grateful....!
Amazing blog. This post is looking interesting. Thanks for sharing this with us vangsgutta
ReplyDelete