Tuesday, August 11, 2015

a constant cloudy weather that brings no rain.........

I don’t know where to begin....but I’ve felt down recently, the high tides crashing into my resilient reef-like self. I feel like I’m chipping away under the pressure. No known cures or recipes of how to feel good are working religious and non-religious.  Just because things don’t go my way very often, upsets me. Wouldn’t it upset you? I’m not crazy nor am I demanding but for a change, I want things too.

Maybe I need to just let go of things; things that I can’t have...Sounds awesome...the problem is, when one bad thing occurs, it brings a deluge of memories and thoughts of all the negatives inside me and why I’m not good enough. Why is another person better than me and chosen over me? Where is God so that I can ask him and so that He can give me an answer right there and then explaining to me the equation He has for solving such complexities of life. Why am I always on the far other end, not reaching to that hand that generously gives out? Ahhh again, its me that is far away...

Am I to reach out, to search 
even when you are not beside me...
Am I to run, or walk?
Should I talk or ask or both,
Shall I stare or keep looking....
I’ve been stumbling along all my life 
feeling my way through darkness
tripping too much as I go 
being fooled by stints of light
that show me the way 
and then steal itself away
leaving me again to feel my way in darkness
stumbling along the way.

Do I fall? 
Yes I do...
Is it supposed to teach me something..?
Yes, it teaches me hurt and pain.
Do the thoughts go away?
Yes, from the front seat, they go to the hind
Are such passengers a burden?
Yes, all the time...
They have no destination and continue their ride...
There is no fare from such
I must continue to provide my energy
all the way, all the time...
Dismay adds new passengers to the overcrowded vehicle 
leaving me stumbling and walking barefoot in the darkness...
I’m promised some rest in the future
that too if I take the falls graciously...
And if I don’t, then I end up in perpetual misery
But if God is fair, then what about the falls I took already?

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